Yesterday I went to the mountain. Again with a prayer to the spirits, a more humble dialogue. Appreciating that I get what I ask for, maybe now I need to ask for what I need... not what I want. In addition, I have to elevate my own nature to that space, that it will resist the temptation of mediocre and respond to genuine respect. I will know and meet and enter into a different energetic space where in fact I have no needs.

Maybe all this change and evolution is not going to happen over night.
But the programming of though is being reigned in at this moment. I am 4 days away from Divorce. Me and him haven't spoken for months other than 2 sentences each time we arrange the exchange of our son. I don't want to start a conversation, it might lead him along. If I am too nice he thinks we can work it out . I have so many questions that I cannot ask, because he could never explain all the whys. I cannot cut him out of my heart, or life. But he has issued enough devastation in my own confidence that I may be reeling for a while and make unconscious mistakes.

I think I have since proved that I do like sex, ( a lot) and I am not a lesbian, two of his main complaints to his friends. I have enjoyed the prospect of kissing and merging with another man, in fact several other men... But that experiment is coming to an end. It has to, because I am seeking substitutes for a hole that is bigger than the reality, and I can work better on that reality alone, than in the catch and release pond of dating opportunity up at the bar.

I will only go so far in opening to a man. I am innocent to the general human nature, because I have lived in a cocooned village where everyone is family, so trust is a foundation. I function on instinct, but a fracture in my perfect world has got the range and frequency off kilter, and my path is a new adventure as a result.