Living without a shell

I have always had a problem with intimacy. Part of it is down to the fact that I had very little interaction with anyone in my first 5 years, little communication, little response. So I became a master of observing the feelings, emotions and subtle language of the senses of anyone who entered the arena. For years I had observed quietly from the corner of the room, seen and not heard, as my mothers tradition insisted. Yet I observed insincereties & the ideocincrites that were nature of shallow interaction. The only sincere interaction I was used to was irritation, frustration and anger. Thus most of my life I was emotionally mute. Resigned to a stagnent rigid place of defense and survival. Infact it wasn't until I arrived in America and started to adapt to the continum of hugs and mild insistent love that this hard shelled crab started to become softer shelled, and eventually learnt to exist without pinchers.

Often I joke about my split personalities, but it is more acceptance of the adaptive personalities. The nature of me and the formular of acceptance. The nature of me is innocent and sincere, exquisitely delighted with the opportunity to get lost in the moment, as I am oh so prone to doing. My adaptive nature was to burrow into the center of actitivity, find a purpose, be an essential ingredient in the big mix. Some may view this as transparent adaption. I believe that as long as my intentions are to be a force of good, and to offer selfless support and assistance when needed, I am in a right place of right action. All these threads & offerings stem beyond the immediate gratifaciation and are part of the genuine desire to create a better bigger picture.

As much as the hard shelled crab may have shunned the innocence of such thoughts in the past, I appreciate that the essence of my intentions have never changed. It just took 45 years of trying on all the sizes and options to end up with the original theme.