Patterns of attitude.

I am a going to have to change my attitude. Because I have buckled and succummed to a space that I never thought I would. The first new man in 15 years. Although this man is adventurous and amourous and fantastic in so many ways the connection is shallow.

I have done more than try and resist. I have told him to leave me alone, me knowing and him knowing that I cannot resist, and don't, as soon as I see him we connect, and I buckle. Maybe that is his purpose for now. For there certainly isn't anyone else and I've got to know the harvest over the last 13 years in this small map of the land. A catch and release technique that really is a strange cross fertilization in a small hemisphere of the globe. and too disturbing to contemplate. Until you find yourself swimming in the pond. OH how different the world looks from within the water. Don't get me wrong. Down here is where it's at. Its reality. Its not down or up, its the now. Now has presented me with an alluring man, that doesn't want me, and seems oblivious to the rarity of our connection.

But if I am not satisfied, then his purpose is served. In this short chapter of time, the season of winter, I have repeated the pattern of my accepting of unacceptance, and I want more. The pattern of my making has easily unfurled at the next available space. IF only for me to observe and learn the lesson more swiftly. Lets hope the formula is ingrained enough that I never repeat it again.

Listening to the cards

Thursday could not have been worse. The Judge ruled in favor of putting aside the default. I expected to be divorce by Thursday afternoon. Not so, there is my plan, and the unfolding of events that are beyond my control. So an attitude adjustment was very necessary. Fortunately Friday brought encounters, and Saturday hard truth. Sunday, helped all of the elements to be assymulated and then provided the most fantastic quiet space to not feel anymore pain.

So the unexpected continued for days, and I am a different person today.

There is nothing finer than a series of coincidents to make you pay attention. Friday gave 3 in a row.
Can I pay attention now.

Little wants and desires, offering themselves effortlessly.

First blossom on Apricot Tree

Was up on the mountain early this morning, long before sunrise. Good long walk up hill helps get the mind quiet. All the time I was looking for a token of the day.

I am a champion on finding a treasure when I want one. A token from the earth that gestures an offering, a symbol. But today no scat or bones, the birds busy. I sat in a new meditation spot. One of the rare nooks on the hill that is other worldly.

My eye have been playing tricks on me recently. When I meditate the field of focus opens up. I am trying to see the space inbetween everything we see. Maybe I am getting short sighted. But when I am around trees and sky its like I see everything as I have never seen it before.

While sitting and contemplating, on the earth beside me I find a old piece of glass. A broken shard from an old thick bottle. Picking it up I consider it my token for the day. At first I think it too simple to be a symbol. Then I hold it up and look through it, I consider it my lense.

What is changing today is my lense, the way I have been looking at life. No more will I be restricted by the limited field of vision. Looking beyond the lense it opens up a whole world.

As I walk down the mountain the blue birds appear and comment on the day. Entering my little yard the first blossom on the Apricot Tree. Its beaming and bright prospects on the stark grey branches a reminder of the emergence from winter.