I am a going to have to change my attitude. Because I have buckled and succummed to a space that I never thought I would. The first new man in 15 years. Although this man is adventurous and amourous and fantastic in so many ways the connection is shallow.
I have done more than try and resist. I have told him to leave me alone, me knowing and him knowing that I cannot resist, and don't, as soon as I see him we connect, and I buckle. Maybe that is his purpose for now. For there certainly isn't anyone else and I've got to know the harvest over the last 13 years in this small map of the land. A catch and release technique that really is a strange cross fertilization in a small hemisphere of the globe. and too disturbing to contemplate. Until you find yourself swimming in the pond. OH how different the world looks from within the water. Don't get me wrong. Down here is where it's at. Its reality. Its not down or up, its the now. Now has presented me with an alluring man, that doesn't want me, and seems oblivious to the rarity of our connection.
But if I am not satisfied, then his purpose is served. In this short chapter of time, the season of winter, I have repeated the pattern of my accepting of unacceptance, and I want more. The pattern of my making has easily unfurled at the next available space. IF only for me to observe and learn the lesson more swiftly. Lets hope the formula is ingrained enough that I never repeat it again.
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